Adventures of Peace Zero..Gundam Girls Strike Back
by Lady Kav and Sandy Winner
Summary: Find out what happens in this action/comedy fic: The Adventures of Peace Zero, Noscythe, Heavydaggers, Bloodrock, Ultra Pink, and the Shortgeese: Gundam Girls Strike Back, when the Gundam Girls have to pilot the Gundams in order to save the Colonies and E


  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own Gundam Wing or it's characters. They belong to Sotsu/Sunrise and Bandai entertainment. Don't bother suing us, we don't have any money anyway. We should be working to earn a living but instead we spend all our time watching anime and surfing online for more anime.  
  
The Adventures of Peace Zero, Noscythe, Heavydaggers, Bloodrock, Ultra Pink, and the Shortgeese: Gundam Girls Strike Back!  
(A.C. 200)  
By Lady Kav and Sandy Winner  
  
Part I: Lady Une's "Gundamn" Great Idea  
  
The birds were singing, the breeze was gently blowing her hair, and the aroma of flowers wafted in the air. She felt so relaxed and happy drinking tea at Lady Une's garden surrounded with all her girlfriends. She had not seen any of them since she had been captured by Mariemeia 3 years ago. It was nice to take a break from the pressures and paperwork of being Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian. In fact, nothing really exciting had happened during these past three years and she felt her life was boring.   
  
Lost in her own thoughts she heard snatches of the conversation. Lady Une was discussing the terra project on Mars. The JAWS Organization had taken over construction of settlements there, but Lady Une was suspicious of JAWS's intentions. Recently, there had been rumors that several new types of mobile suits had been spotted around Mars and Lady Une wondered if JAWS was planning to build some military base. "But enough about my worries," she said, "What have you girls all been up to lately?"   
  
Noin replied that she and Zechs were doing well. Everything had been quiet at the Preventers base so she decided to work part time as a fry-girl at McDonalds. Zechs was pursuing his life long dream of becoming a model for Calvin Klein.   
  
Hilde had also mentioned that things at the Sweepers base were slow so she and Duo had taken up other interests. Hilde was designing berets under the logo 'Hildefiger'. She was so proud of Duo who was writing a sequel to his book, 'How to be a Rude Obnoxious Loud-Mouth and Funny at the Same Time,' entitled 'How to Get Girls: Maxwell Style.' She and Duo were really excited because they expected sales to double from the previous sale of two copies to four.   
  
Sally had returned to being a doctor. She had a huge office with a couch, a fridge and an anime cell by CLAMP on her wall, in some posh suburban area. Sally grumbled, "The highlight of my day is treating colds and sore throats." Wufei, to everyone's surprise, had gotten a position as a lecturer of philosophy at the Siberia Community College. "Whenever he calls me," Sally continued, "He rants non-stop about his powerful lectures on justice and Nataku. He grumbles about his enormous class size of two students."   
  
Catherine reported that sales for her circus were going down. Now she and Trowa only performed one night a week. "Many people," she complained, "are more interested in watching Anime than going to the circus. Well, if you can't beat 'em than I say might as well join 'em. So now I play Naru in the Off-Broadway play Bishojo Senshi Sera Muun. Trowa plays Nephrite, which is perfect for him cause Nephrite doesn't have a big role. You know Noin, if things don't work out for Zechs we could sure use him to play the part of Kunzite. He looks exactly like him."   
  
Noin replied, "Thanks, I'll let him know."  
  
Dorothy was also pursuing her life long dream: to make Quatre her boyfriend. She whined, "This isn't fair, this isn't fair. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. Quatre is supposed to be mine, yet he constantly ignores me. I've sent him love letters, I've sent him death threats. I've kidnapped Rashid, twice, and I've even tried to blow up one of his resource satellites, but he still continues to ignore me." Relena sighed, it seemed that Dorothy out of all of them was leading the most exciting life.   
  
"Relena, Relena, earth to Relena," said Noin, "Where's your mind at?"   
  
Relena blinked and wistfully said, Oh, Ms. Noin, I'm sorry. I was just thinking."   
  
"Relena-sama, you look so sad, what's bothering you?" Dorothy asked.   
  
Relena sighed, "Nothing, there is no reason for me to be sad. The earth and the colonies seem to be at peace. There's no need for Heero to save me anymore. It's just ever since the Gundams were blown up a couple of years ago my life has been ... well boring."   
  
All the girls looked at each other and burst out laughing. "You really believed that those boys self-destructed their Gundams," Sally spat out.   
  
"Those Gundam Pilots would never part with their Mechas," said Noin.   
  
Lady Une, who looked annoyed, said, "The Gundam Pilots lied to me and faked the Gundams' death.  
  
"Relena's right though," exclaimed Hilde, "There hasn't been any excitement in our lives for a while." Silence filled the room.  
  
After what seemed like an hour a smirk appeared on Lady Une's face and she deviously laughed. She thought to herself, "This will teach those boys a lesson for lying to me." Out loud she said, "Why don't you ladies borrow the Gundams and take a journey to outer-space. Piloting Wing was invigorating and I think this will be a nice adventure for you." Noin, Sally, Dorothy, Catherine, and Hilde's eyes lit up at the idea of piloting a Gundam. "In fact," Lady Une continued, "You could fly out to MO IV, that's not too far from the Earth."   
  
Noin suddenly sighed, "But you know none of the guys will let us pilot their Gundams. This idea will never work."  
  
Lady Une smirked again and replied, "Well, you don't have to tell them that you're borrowing their Gundams. I've always believed the least said the better."   
  
"Well, I think it's a good idea."   
  
Everyone looked shocked and Noin replied, "But Relena, I thought you didn't approve of the Gundams because they are a symbol of war."   
  
"That's not true, I've always supported the Gundams and I've always wanted to know what's so great about them. Besides, we're not planning to fight and I need a good excuse for Heero to come after me."   
  
"Then it's all settled," Sally said, "One week from now we will steal the Gundams and meet up at MO IV."  
  
All the girls thanked Lady Une for tea and departed in high spirits, thinking about ways to abduct the Gundams from their counterparts. When everyone had gone Lady Une laughed, put on her glasses and said, "When those Gundam Pilots find out their Gundams are missing they're going to have a heart-attack. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!"  
  
************************************************************************  
Part II: How to Annoy your Boyfriend: The Girls' Guide to Stealing a Gundam  
  
(one week later)  
  
Heero's back hurt. It had been a long day of picking up trash. Since there was no need for soldiers anymore and he didn't have any other qualifications, the only job available was garbage man. It had been an awful day, he had fallen into the trash bin twice, slipped on a banana peel and as a result he had almost fallen into the incinerator (a furnace that burns trash). At least Relena wasn't around to annoy him. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. Heero opened the door and to his surprise he saw no one! There was a note attached to the door. He opened the note and read, "Omae Wo Kuroso, Heero". He angrily yelled, "No one steals my line." Immediately he whipped out his gun from his back pocket and ran into the streets looking for his perpetrator.   
  
After a good two hours of searching he decided to give up. He thought to himself, "It must be that baka Maxwell playing some sort of joke on me. If I see him again, I'll throw him into the trash incinerator." He maniacally laughed out loud at the thought of Maxwell getting burnt alive. He'd show Maxwell who the real Shinigami was. He returned home and to his horror he found Wing Zero was missing. He yelled in agony, "Noooooooo, I am going to torture Maxwell for this." But Heero wasn't really sure that Duo had stolen Wing Zero. He didn't think Maxwell had the skills necessary to pilot Wing Zero.   
  
Meanwhile at the Darlian Mansion.....  
  
Relena:"Thank you Pargan for retrieving Wing Zero for me."   
  
Pargan: "Your plan was ingenious Relena-sama. I think it's nice that all you lovely young ladies are going for a nice quiet excursion to MO IV. It's wonderful to see you Relena-Sama take some time off from work."  
  
Relena: "Now if I could only figure out how to work this machine."  
  
Pargan: "You're a bright girl Relena-sama. I know that you'll be piloting the Gundam in no time."  
  
Relena took a deep breath and climbed aboard Wing Zero. She scanned all the buttons and levers and then found a button she liked and pressed it. The Gundam turned into a jet and proceeded to fly towards MO IV. "That wasn't so tough," she thought to herself.   
  
Meanwhile at Duo and Hilde's house.....  
  
Duo and Hilde were celebrating with champagne the fact that Duo had sold 5 copies of his new book 'How to Get Girls: Maxwell Style.' "This was beyond my wildest expectations! Hildeeeey keep the liquor coming!" Duo exclaimed.  
  
"Wow," Hilde thought to herself, "This is gonna be easier than I thought. In no time Duo will be passed out."   
  
Five hours later Duo woke up with a hangover. He went outside to look for Hilde but his surprise Deathscythe was missing. He screamed, "Nooooooooooo!" And he collapsed to the ground. This was worse than the time Trowa "the traitor" Barton had destroyed Deathscythe. He thought to himself, "This is that cold ruthless baka Heero's doing. Screw you, Yuy! This is his revenge for planting the banana peel yesterday. It sure was funny when Heero almost fell into the incinerator. I'm going to show that Kuso-atama (Shit-head) the meaning of Shinigami. Next time I'm gonna plant two banana peels and make sure he falls in the incinerator." But Duo wasn't sure that Heero was smart enough to pilot the Deathscythe so he couldn't have taken it.   
  
At the circus.......  
  
Catherine was practicing throwing her knives when Trowa came in to check on the lions. "Hey Catherine, what are you up to?"   
  
She replied, "I'm just throwing knives. Trowa, would you mind standing against the wall so I can practice?" Trowa nodded and got up against the wall.   
  
Catherine threw ten knives all barely missing his skin. "Wow," he thought to himself, "Catherine is an expert. She has managed to pin me up against the wall without any of the knives touching my skin." Out loud he said, "Catherine, could you help me get down from here?"   
  
"Another time, I have things to do now. By the way the girls and I are taking the Gundams to MO IV. See ya later!"   
  
Trowa watched as Catherine left in Heavyarms and he yelled, "Have fun, sis!"   
  
At the L4 Colony......  
  
Quatre was sipping his tea and watching Teletubbies. His favorite character, Tinky-Winky (who was the same color as his purple vest), had lost his purse. Quatre was unaware of the mysterious dark shadow with long hair lurking around. He finished drinking his tea. He then yawned and fell into a deep sleep dreaming about Pink Elephants and fluffy bunnies.  
  
When he awoke the next morning he felt refreshed and decided to take Sandrock out to get some exercise, which he hadn't done in a while. To his shock he discovered that Sandrock was missing. He fell to the floor and started sobbing, "Sandrock! Sandrock! I'm sorry that I've been ignoring you. Please come back to me." He couldn't believe that Sandrock abandoned him, but then there was no other explanation.   
  
Meanwhile at the Siberia Community College....  
  
Wufei had received an invitation to give a lecture in Newport City about justice, integrity, and the weakness of women to an organization. They had invited Wufei because they had heard so much about his critically acclaimed lectures and he was going to be the guest of honor. Wufei thought to himself, "Finally, I'm being appreciated for my beliefs on justice and Nataku. He raced out the door, forgetting to lock his house and jumped on the next plane to Newport City.  
  
When he arrived at the conference he was surprised to see so many women there. In fact, the sign on the door said that this was a meeting of the Feminists for World Domination Organization. He shrugged his shoulders, this was the address written on the invitation, but he wasn't really sure what feminist meant. He walked up to the podium and everyone stared in surprise at him. He thought to himself, "They must be in awe of my presence." He decided to start speaking about his favorite topic: Misogyny.   
  
He began in a loud clear voice, "Onnas are weak an evil. Ever since time immemorial they have led men astray and caused them to sin. They are to blame for the numerous injustices of this world. Recently, we have had women leaders in the new era such as Relena Darlian who believe they are capable of ruling. If even one onna is in a position of power the world is doomed." Wufei looked up at the audience and expected everyone to be applauding.   
  
Instead he saw the faces of angry women. In fact, those people who he thought were men were actually buff Swedish women. Suddenly, all the women in the room stood up and began throwing their high-heeled shoes at him. While Wufei was yelling, "Kisama Onna, Kisama Onna," some of the more muscular women began beating him up. Because he was so short and skinny he was able to squeeze his way through the mob of outraged women. Wufei ran to the airport and jumped on the first plane heading for Siberia. He was badly bruised and he had wasted six hours of his time. He thought to himself, "That Onna friend of Sally, Noin is probably behind this. She is the only Onna smart enough to make a fool out of me. This was her revenge for blowing up the Lake Victoria Base. Shimatta!"   
  
When he arrived home to his dismay he found that Nataku had been stolen. He thought to himself, "Something is wrong here! This must be part of a bigger conspiracy because no Onnas are capable of piloting Nataku. Noin is too weak and from what I've seen at the Victorian Nightmare she can't even pilot a mobile suit effectively. Shimattaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
At the Preventers Base:  
  
Noin had just come home from a busy day at McDonalds. Zechs, trying to pursue his dream of becoming a Calvin Klein model, was engrossed in this book called, 'How to Get Girls: Maxwell Style.' He thought that he could become a model if he showed the agencies how popular he was around girls. He was so caught up in the book that he didn't notice that Noin had come home. Noin began talking to him about Lady Une's concern over JAWS but he just ignored her.   
  
Infuriated Noin decided to leave. She called out to him, "Zechs, dinner is in the fridge. You need to pick up the dry-cleaning. You have a split end and I'm planning to steal your Gundam." She slammed the door behind her.  
  
Zechs looked up from his book and exclaimed, "I can't believe it! I have a split end!" He then began brushing his hair furiously. After 100 brush strokes he resumed reading.   
  
He was on chapter 3 entitled 'How to be Popular with the Ladies.' There was a list of ten things every guy must do:   
  
1. Grow your hair long. Ladies go wild over long, silky hair.- Zechs put a check mark by that.  
2. Don't try to kill your best friend. - Zechs thought about that one for a while. Since he did not actually kill Treize himself he put a check mark by number two.  
3. Never try to blow up the Earth. My friend Zechs aka Milliardo Peacecraft did that and look what's happened to him. - Zechs's face turned red and he shouted, "Damn you Maxwell. How dare you insult the former leader of the colonies."  
  
He was so enraged that he flung the book to the floor. But he really wanted to see Duo's appendix on all the people he'd slept with. He picked the book back up and turned to appendix. To his surprise there was a list of a hundred names. Zechs began reading:  
  
Lucrezia Noin.   
  
Zechs became enraged again and swore but he was curious and continued reading:  
  
Sally Po, Dorothy Catalonia, Cathrine Bloom, Relena Darlian (Zechs thought to himself, "How could Relena stoop so low?"), Sylvia Noventa, Mrs. Darlian, Iria Winner, Lady Une, Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Chang Wufei, Treize Kushrenada, Howard, Dr. J ("So that explains all the yaoi websites out there about Duo.") Zechs Merchise ("What! I'd never sleep with that egoist who thinks he's Shinigami.") Sailor Chibi-Moon, Sailor Moon, Sailor Neptune, Sailor Uranus-she's one hot babe, Kunzite, Kaolinite, Zoisite, Tenchi Masaki, Sasami, Ryo-Oki, Chibi Washuu, Miaka, Tamahome, Hotohori, Nuriko-Anyone who's seen Nuriko thinks she's one hot babe, Son Goku, Son Gohan, Piccolo-He has a suave voice like me, Vegeta- sounds like Zechs, Trunks, Bulma, Roshi-sensei, Tinky-Winky...  
  
Zechs was about to continue reading when he got an urgent message from Lady Une. Her worried face appeared on the main screen and in a tense voice she said, "Zechs we have an emergency at the Terra Project on Mars. My worries have become a reality. JAWS is actually a military organization with the intent of waging war on the colonies in order to take over all the natural resources so they can have a monopoly. If they succeed both the colonies and the Earth will be at their mercy. All this time they have been building a secret underground military base on Mars and they have been manufacturing new mobile suits.We need to send the Gundams out to Mars to prevent JAWS's mobile suits from launching an attack on the colonies."   
  
Lady Une then switched her screen to show the plans and layout of these new mobile suits. They looked like regular mobile suits except they had heads shaped like sharks. There were HammerHeads who had the capability of bashing their opponents with their titanium heads, Tigers which had the ability to camouflage so no one could detect them, the Great Whites which shot out acid that could even burn through gundanium, and a more new design, the Threshers which had long tails so they could attack from behind. All these mobile suits were man piloted but they were streamlined so their reaction time was quicker than the mobile dolls.   
  
After studying the fighting capabilities of these new mobile suits, Zechs said to Lady Une, "The situation doesn't look too bad. I'm sure the Gundams will be able to defeat JAWS easily."   
  
Lady Une replied sarcastically, "You're right Zechs, at least JAWS is not intent on blowing up the Earth. You are overconfident Zechs. I think we may need something or someone more than just those Gundam boys." Zechs then proceeded to call all the five Gundam Pilots and order them to report with their Gundams to the Preventers Base.   
  
One hour later.....  
  
All the five boys had gathered at the Preventers Base. All of them had tense, worried looks on their face. Heero was giving Duo his death stare. Duo was sticking his tongue out at Heero. All the boys were quiet because none of them wanted to reveal that they had lost their Gundams. Zechs came in and began showing them slides of their enemy. He then told them to get their Gundams ready for outer space. None of the boys moved and their faces were all red. Zechs shouted, "What's wrong with you guys? Have you lost your nerve? Or have you forgotten how to fight?" All the Gundam boys sweatdropped.   
  
There was a silence but not for long because Duo couldn't keep quiet for more than five seconds. Duo put his hand behind his head, inverted his eyes anime style, and with a silly smile on his face replied, "Errr....well you see....um....I don't have my Gundam..." He was about to continue when everyone started screaming.   
  
"Duo-baka stole my Gundam!"   
  
"No, it was Heero who stole my Gundam!"   
  
"Sandrock ran away!"   
  
"That onna of yours, Zechs, stole my Gundam!"   
  
Heero and Duo were trying to strangle each other. Heero wondered if there was an incinerator nearby. Quatre was sobbing while Trowa, as usual, was silent. Wufei was roaring about the injustice Noin had done to him.  
  
Zechs started laughing, "You boys are a bunch of immature morons. I can't believe you let stupid pranks get in the way of your Gundams. Aren't you embarrassed? I'll go with the Tallgeese and stop JAWS. I don't need anyone's help. I'll be back in two hours with the heads of those mobile suits." Zechs left the room but he returned in five minutes with his face red.   
  
Wufei with a smirk on his face, "So you've already defeated JAWS? That was quick."   
  
"It's seems...um...that the Tallgeese is missing as well. All of our Gundams are missing. I think this is a conspiracy devised by an ingenious powerful mastermind. I think JAWS might be responsible."   
  
Zechs called Lady Une to tell her about the dire position they were in. Lady Une seemed genuinely shocked when she heard the news. She asked all the guys to tell her what exactly had happened. All the boys relayed to her their stories except Trowa who never talked much anyway. Wufei, however, omitted the part where he got beat up by those buff Swedish women. Instead he said that he got his bruises when he was attacked by ninjas from the 'negaverse' in Siberia. But none of them believed him. Quatre was still sobbing believing that Sandrock had really run away. Trowa comforted him by telling him that someone must have drugged him and stolen Sandrock. Lady Une after hearing the stories burst out laughing and thought to herself, "Those girls are smarter than I thought. Those boys are pretty dumb for being professional soldiers. I can't believe my revenge turned out so funny."   
  
Zechs said out loud, "I think Lady Une knows something that we don't know. What's going on Lady Une?"   
  
Lady Une answered, "Have you even tried contacting your Gundams?" All the boys sweatdropped and fell down.  
  
Zechs, with Lady Une still on the monitor, contacted Wing Zero, Deathscythe, Heavyarms, Sandrock, Nataku, and the Tallgeese. To everyone's horror they found out that the Gundams were on MO IV and being piloted by.....the girls! The boys all started screaming.   
  
"Omae wo kuroso."   
  
"Kisama, Onna"   
  
"Come back to me, my Sandrock!"   
  
"Noooiiiinnnn!"   
  
"If anything happens to my Scythe......"   
  
"Hi, Cathy!"   
  
They were stupefied that the girls had managed to steal their Gundams. Lady Une noticed that there was something different about Nataku, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. She inquired, "How are you girls doing?" They all replied, "We're having a blast! Great idea Lady Une." Lady Une turned red.   
  
Catherine said to Trowa, "Thanks for letting me borrow your Gundam, Trowa." All the boys fell down.   
  
Duo exclaimed, "Trowa, you knew all this time and you didn't tell us?"   
  
"Well no one asked me."   
  
Duo hit his head and said, "Oi!"   
  
Noin said, "Zechs knew about this too. He, as usual, never listens to me."   
  
Zechs turned red and mockingly said, "This wasn't the time for tasteless tactics, Lady Une. Well Lady, what's your move now since we don't have our Gundams?"   
  
Lady Une thought for a minute and she calmly addressed everyone, "Since the girls are already half way to Mars I think that they should take the Gundams to defeat JAWS."  
  
Her plan was met with a chorus of protests and swearing by the boys. Heero objected saying, "These girls don't even know how to pilot a Gundam. It takes only the most professional and skilled soldiers to pilot one. If we send them our Gundams are going to get destroyed." Lady Une started laughing at the idea of the Gundams being destroyed.   
  
The girls started to scream in protest, "What the hell do you guys mean?"   
  
"I used to instruct soldiers how to pilot mobile suits at the most prestigious academy."   
  
"I captured Duo when I was a soldier with OZ."   
  
"I've outrun OZ many times in a mobile suit while trying to retrieve the Gundams."  
  
"I'm good with my hands and I have good aim."   
  
"I almost defeated the five Gundams with the Zero system mobile dolls."   
  
Heero replied, "But what about Relena? She doesn't know how to pilot a mobile suit. Someone always has to save her."   
  
Relena smiled and said, "But Heero, I do know how to pilot a Gundam. It's easy. All you have to do is press the button that says Auto Pilot." Heero turned red.   
  
Duo exclaimed, "It figures, so that's why Heero's the perfect soldier. It's so unfair. He gets the Zero system and Auto Pilot."   
  
Relena continued, "Besides, I don't plan on fighting. I strongly believe that pacifism is the solution. I plan to voice my ideals of non-violence to JAWS. I believe that if we talk things through we can reach an agreement." Everyone looked at Relena as if she was crazy.   
  
Duo muttered, "I hope the Zero system hasn't affected Relena already."   
  
Wufei said under his breath, "Those onnas are going to lead us to doom."   
  
"Well then it's settled," Lady Une said, "I'll send you the schematics and attack plans to you girls. I would like you boys to monitor the battle in case the girls get into trouble." She turned to the girls, put her right hand on her hip, and yelled, "Commence Operation!"   
  
The girls punched their hands up into the air and enthusiastically said, "Yeah!!!!!!"  
  
Heero looked at all the guys and said, "I really have some serious doubts about this."   
  
Zechs replied, "I wouldn't worry too much. JAWS is up against the greatest and most fearsome nuisance in this universe: The Gundam Girls."  
  
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Part III: The Greatest and Most Fearsome Nuisance in this Universe.........Sieta Merchise?   
  
  
As the girls proceeded to the battleground, Lady Une began to send them attack formations. The Gundams were to start in an alpha formation and attack the JAWS mobile suits head on. "Above all," Lady Une warned, "You must not let the mobile suits separate you. After defeating most of the mobile suit fleet, Ultron and the Tallgeese will proceed to fly through the mobile suit fleet and directly destroy the military base, while the rest of the Gundams will keep the mobile suit fleet preoccupied. Wing Zero will be positioned in the background away from the fighting. Good luck ladies!"  
  
While the girls were en route to the fiercest, bloodiest rendezvous of the universe, the boys were idle at the Preventers Base........  
  
"Hey Duo, I need to talk to you about your book. It's personal." Zechs motioned Duo to come to him and he pulled out 'How to Get Girls: Maxwell Style.'   
  
"Oh wow Zechs, I can't believe out of the five copies I've sold, you actually bought one of them!" The other four pilots, who were bored, decided to see what was going on between Duo and Zechs. To Duo's surprise, they all pulled out a copy of his new book. Tears welled up in Duo's eyes and he said, "You guys are the best. Thank you for buying my book. You like me. You really like me."   
  
The guys all burst out laughing. "That onna of yours Maxwell bought your books and gave us each a copy."   
  
Zechs, in an annoyed voice, said, "Duo we need to discuss that appendix of yours."   
  
To everyone's shock Trowa opened his mouth and said, "I can't believe you actually read that piece of trash."   
  
"Hey, I was just trying to be popular around the ladies."   
  
Duo replied, "You really screwed that up when you decided to blow up the Earth."   
  
Zechs opened the book to the appendix entitled 'All the People I've Slept with.' All the boys became enraged with anger when they saw what was written.   
  
"Kisama, onna Maxwell."   
  
"You animal, I can't believe you besmirched Tinky-Winky ."   
  
"..............."  
  
"Omae wo kuroso!"  
  
Duo put his hand behind his head and inverted his eyes, a sweatdrop appeared to be hanging off his head and with a silly grin he said, "Okay guys, I know you're upset but I put your names in for a good cause: when people find out you've slept with a mega babe like me they will admire you." All the boys looked sternly at Duo not believing his explanation. Duo continued, "Okay...Okay...It wasn't really my idea. My publisher told me to use as many names as possible so I would look good." Heero, Zechs, and Wufei, however, were not amused. Duo, sensing the hostility in the air, began running frantically. Wufei, Zechs, and Heero chased after him trying to knock the 'Shinigami' out of him.   
  
While Duo was being pursued around the Preventers Base, Quatre and Trowa were examining Duo's book. "You know Trowa, some of the names on the list aren't even real. For example, who's Chang Wufei?" Trowa shrugged his shoulders and gave Quatre a "who cares?" look.  
  
In Outer Space...  
  
Sitting in the Tallgeese she could feel the excitement of battle in the air. It had been so long since she had been a soldier in combat. It felt exhilarating. She thought Sally must feel the same way. Noin turned to her good friend and realized that Sally had done something to Nataku. It looked like she had upgraded Ultron.   
  
Everyone took a deep breath. They had reached the battle zone. It was so quiet. They could see hundreds of the new JAWS mobile suits against the backdrop of a red sphere. Dorothy raised her forked eyebrows and yelled, "Welcome ladies to the warrior's paradise!"   
  
Lady Une appeared on the monitor and stated, "JAWS has been expecting us. Quick, get into an Alpha formation...er...except Relena."   
  
Trailing behind the rest of the Gundams Relena began to address JAWS. "I Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian have come before you today to discuss the superiority of pacifism. War only leads to......" As usual Relena's speeches have never been able to prevent a battle and the mobile suits began attacking, but that didn't stop her from talking.   
  
The JAWS mobile suits surrounded the five fighting Gundams and the girls were forced to spread out. Each Gundam had to combat three of four mobile suits at the same time. Because the reaction time of the mobile suits was so quick, it took the girls quite a while just to defeat one. They were all struggling.   
  
Heavyarms was up against three Hammerheads. Catherine had managed to defeat one of them by shooting bullets, but the other three were using their heads and bashing Heavyarms. She didn't know how long she could keep fighting because she was running low on bullets.  
  
A Great White and three Tigers were encircling the Deathscythe. Since the Tigers were camouflaged, Hilde was swinging the scythe madly around. The Great White was spitting acid creating holes in the Deathscythe. Hilde didn't know if she could hold out any longer. She began getting that deja vu feeling. Images of her battling the Mercurius and Vayeate flashed through her mind.   
  
The Tallgeese had been blinded by the Great White's acid. One of the Thresher's tails was wrapped around it's legs causing the Tallgeese to trip. Another Thresher was using it's tail to strike the Tallgeese. Noin felt as helpless as the time Nataku had overwhelmed her Aries at Lake Victoria.  
  
Sally was facing a couple of Hammerheads and a couple of Tigers. Using the dragon she was able to punch the heads off the Hammerheads and they exploded. But because the Tigers were invisible, they kept firing at her.   
  
Dorothy, however, was having the time of her life. "This war is beautiful. This is so invigorating." With Sandrock's Heat Shorters she was defeating a mobile suit every minute. Every time a mobile suit exploded and the blood of the soldier splattered she maniacally laughed.   
  
In the midst of all this chaos Relena was still continuing her speech, "...We as human beings must strive for peace...."  
  
Not surprisingly Heavyarms ran out of ammunition. The Hammerheads were mercilessly bashing Heavyarms. Catherine dropped the rifle of the left arm and whipped out her beam sword, but she was not quick enough for the Hammerheads. Out loud she yelled, "I'm going to have to fight the only way I know how." She got out of Heavyarms and began throwing her daggers. To her surprise her plan worked as she saw the Hammerheads explode. But the trouble was not over for her. There were more mobile suits approaching and she did not know if she had the strength to keep throwing daggers.   
  
Surveying the dire situation all the girls were in, Hilde yelled, "Damn, we are going to be defeated, unless we do something immediately." She knew that Dorothy alone could not defeat all the mobile suits. She contacted all the Gundams and said, "The only option left to us is to self-destruct. Hopefully the explosion will at least destroy all the mobile suits if not the military base."  
  
Instantaneously, Lady Une came on the monitor and told everyone to sit tight until she had contacted the boys. Lady Une, however, was unsuccessful, "I wonder what those boys could be up to in such a perilous situation?"   
  
Meanwhile at the Preventers Base.......  
  
Heero was chasing Duo around the base and shooting bullets at him (nothing surprising about this scene) because Duo had given Heero a spandex wedgie. Wufei was complaining about the injustice Sally had done to him and Nataku. Trowa and Quatre were in a corner playing the flute and violin. Quatre began singing:  
  
I'm Quatre, gotta love me  
Big blue eyes, sweet, and lovely.  
My friend Duo is really funny  
He sounds like Ryo-Oki, who's a bunny.  
Chang Wufei is really ugly  
He's a misogynist who has no money.  
That guy Heero really scares me  
Especially when he laughs so maniacally.  
  
Hearing this pathetic song, Wufei stopped his ranting and approached the musical duo, "That was the stupidest song I've ever heard. Even an onna can sing better. Can't you think of better ways of wasting your time? Anyway how come Trowa's not in it?"   
  
Quatre gave Wufei a silly smile and replied, "That's because I don't know much about Trowa. He doesn't say much." Wufei left with a disgusted look on his face.   
  
Trowa turned to Quatre and said, "I really liked the song. It was truthful and funny."   
  
Zechs, who you'd think being the mature and level-headed one would be monitoring the battle, was still reading 'How to Get Girls: Maxwell Style.' He was on chapter four entitled 'Dances that Will Make You Appealing to the Ladies.'   
  
1. Endless Waltz (Zechs: I think I've heard of that one before.)  
2. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto (Zechs: Aren't robots primitive forms of Gundams?)  
3. The Chicken Dance (Zechs: That's Duo's Dance.)  
4. The Can-Can (Zechs: One dance Wufei should avoid.)  
5. The Macarena (Zechs: Hn....this looks promising.)  
  
Back on Mars...  
  
".....If true peace is ever to exist, it must be achieved through pacifism....." Relena's meaningless speech was still going on despite the fact her friends were getting beaten up (not counting Dorothy).  
  
Hilde, who was being overwhelmed by Threshers, said to all the pilots, "We can't wait for Lady Une to get back to us. I must self-destruct." She knew this was the only way to save the colonies and Earth. She took a deep breath, turned to the JAWS mobile suits, and said, "I don't want to copy Heero, but... you are all going with me to hell!" She closed her eyes and slowly pressed the self-destruct button and ..........  
  
Nothing. There was no explosion. Once again Deathscythe had failed to self-destruct. Hilde screamed, "What's going on! How come it doesn't explode?! What's wrong with it?!"  
  
Catherine thought to herself, "Now it's my turn to self-destruct. This will be my final performance." She was about to self-destruct when images of Trowa with tears in his eyes appeared before her. She yelled, "Move away, Trowa. I have to kill myself." Tears welled up in her eyes. She remembered how she had stopped Trowa from killing himself and she knew that if she self-destructed she would be a hypocrite.  
  
"Self-destruction, what a noble action. I'm going to die with honor in a magnificent, glorious war." Dorothy pressed the self-destruct button, but Sandrock opened the hatch for Dorothy to escape. Infuriated she yelled, "There is no point in self-destructing unless you're actually in the Gundam." In a huff she aborted the self-destruction sequence.  
  
Sally pondered about self-destructing. She said, "No bullets, no fuel, don't even have much of a sounding mechanism left, eh Nataku? I should self-destruct but, I think it would be wiser to get captured by JAWS and destroy them from the inside. Well, Mr. JAWS, my life's in your hands."   
  
Noin spied an empty Great White mobile suit near her vicinity. Since the Tallgeese was taking a heavy beating she thought it would be wise to blow up the Tallgeese and pilot the Great White. She said to Tallgeese, "Thank you, Tallgeese. I would not have made it this far without you. Farewell."   
  
She was about to press the self-destruct button when Lady Une chimed in. "Noin, stop!" She yelled. "I've received new data on the JAWS mobile suits. I have come up with a new attack strategy which I'm going to download to all your Gundams."   
  
Suddenly, Noin heard this jazzy-techno music with a catchy beat. From the corner of her eye she could see Wing Zero shining like a star.   
  
.... "Meaningless wars and bloodshed will accomplish nothing..." Relena was about to continue speaking when one of the Hammerheads hit into her. She yelled, "How dare anyone interrupt me when I am talking about pacifism!" She put on a silver hawk-like mask and shouted, "I am Sieta Merchise. I stand for love, I stand for peace. In the name of the former Sank Kingdom, I shall punish you!"  
  
"JUST WILD BEAT COMMUNICATION AME NI UTARENAGARA  
IROASENAI ATSUI OMOI KARADAJUU DE TSUTAETAI YO TONIGHT!"  
  
All the girls looked around in surprise, wondering where that music was coming from. Sally then saw Wing Zero flying towards the battle and yelled out, "Hey everyone, look at Relena." Relena.....er....Sieta Merchise was wildly swinging her beam saber around demolishing everything in sight with a matter of seconds.   
  
Noin said, "I think the Zero system has taken over Relena. She's fighting extraordinarily. Sieta Merchise is the perfect soldier."   
  
Dorothy, seeing what was going on, shouted, "I knew she had it in her! Her true lust for war has finally revealed itself! I'm going to follow Wing Zero. I'll stay by Miss Relena. I'm sure there'll be more bloodshed around her." Sieta Merchise swung around the ailing girls and slashed the mobile suits that were bothering them and returned to the action.  
  
"NURETA SONO KATA WO ATATAMERU YOU NI DAITA  
FURUETERU YUBISAKI WA NANI WO MOTOMESAMA YOU NO?"  
  
"Damn, where's this music coming from?" Asked Hilde.   
  
Lady Une appeared on the monitor and said, "By mistake, instead of the new attack plans, I uploaded a music file. It's permanent, so you can't turn it off until the song's over."   
  
Sally analyzed their situation. Nataku, Heavyarms, the Tallgeese, and Deathscythe were in bad condition. There were just too many JAWS mobile suits for Dorothy and Sieta to handle alone. There was only one solution. She yelled, "Relena....er....Sieta use the beam cannon."   
  
All the girls shouted in support, "Sieta use the beam cannon!"   
  
Lady Une immediately was on screen and yelled, "Wait! I think Heero upgraded the cannon. I think it's too powerful to use. This is critical. I need to contact Heero to ask him whether we should use the beam cannon or not."  
  
"RED ALERT!  
RED ALERT!"  
  
"I wish that music would stop. It's making me nervous. I wonder what those boys could be up to. I can't get through to the Preventers Base."  
  
Meanwhile, at the Preventers Base.....  
  
Six voices could be heard singing, "Hey Macarena!"  
  
Back to the Mars battlefield.....  
  
Sieta, who was oblivious to anyone's voice, pulled out the beam cannon. "Quick! Everyone move out of the way, she's gonna fire!" Yelled Noin. Sieta pointed the cannon directly at the JAWS military base. In one shot she annihilated all the mobile suits. Suddenly, there was a big explosion! The planet Mars began to tremble. It was enveloped by a cloud of dust and rocks were spewing everywhere. When the dust had settled, the girls looked to see whether the JAWS military base had been destroyed. To their horror they discovered that Relena/Sieta had blown up the entire planet!   
  
"JUST WILD BEAT COMMUNICATION AI WO HANASANAIDE  
AFUREDASHITA ATSUI SUGAO MOTSURETA MUNE TOKIHANATTE TONIGHT!"  
  
************************************************************************  
Conclusion: The Boys are Shocked: The New and Improved Gundams  
  
She blinked her eyes in bewilderment. She had a headache and felt dizzy and faint. She looked around expecting to see JAWS mobile suits, but there were none. She couldn't even see Mars. She exclaimed, "What's going on? Where am I? What happened to me?"   
  
Sally in Nataku came up to Wing Zero and yelled in excitement, "Good job, Sieta! We couldn't have beaten JAWS without you. I guess Heero made Wing Zero's beam cannon just as powerful as Libra's cannon. Damn, you're a better pilot than Heero!"   
  
"Who's Sieta? I'm Relena, remember? How come I can't see Mars anymore?"   
  
Dorothy, using Sandrock's arm, elbowed Wing Zero, "Why Relena-sama you defeated JAWS and blew up Mars. You fought splendidly. Any soldier would be proud of you. But don't you think blowing up Mars was going a little to far?"   
  
"That's just not true Dorothy, and you know it! It can't be true. I'm a pacifist and I would never engage in bloodshed, for any reason."   
  
Dorothy forked her eyebrows and with a smirk on her face she addressed Relena in her taunting voice, "You should be proud of yourself, Relena-sama. You are truly the heroine of the battlefield of our times. Anyway, you succeeded where your brother failed -You managed to destroy an entire planet."   
  
Noin, sensing Relena's distress, comforted her by saying, "Sieta...I mean Relena you were under the Zero system's influence. You had no control over your actions. But without your.... I mean Sieta Merchise's help we would be dead by now and JAWS would have control over the colonies." Relena sighed in relief. It was actually Sieta Merchise, not her, who blew up Mars. Anyway they would all be doomed without her awesome fighting technique.   
  
Lady Une appeared on the monitor and asked, "What happened out there?"   
  
Noin, Sally, Dorothy, Catherine, and Hilde all yelled, "Mission complete!"   
  
Lady Une smiled. She knew all along that those girls had it in them to defeat JAWS. Lady Une continued, "Under the current situation, I suppose we will have to abandon the terra project on Mars for now. I will meet up with you at the Preventers base in two hours. I will expect a full detailed report of your mission. Lady Une out."   
  
All the girls were thrilled about defeating JAWS and successfully completing their mission.....well probably not about blowing up Mars. Hilde yelled, "We kicked some butt all right. We're the Gundamn greatest group of soldiers out there."   
  
All the girls punched their right hands in the air and yelled, "Yeahhhhh!"  
  
Hilde was already celebrating by stuffing her mouth with Duo's secret candy supply that he had hidden in Deathscythe. She was so excited and preoccupied with her candy that she didn't notice that she had dropped the scythe. The scythe slashed the legs of a particular Tallgeese that was flying under her.   
  
"Hilde, look what you've done!"   
  
Hilde looked in disbelief as she saw the scythe floating further and further away from her. "Kuso!" She yelled. "Duo's gonna kill me!"   
  
Noin enraged shouted, "Zechs is going to be infuriated! What am I going tell him? That now he has to pilot the Shortgeese."   
  
Catherine, in the mean time, was studying Nataku. She thought to herself, "The Deathscythe and the Tallgeese were not the only Gundams who had been changed. Nataku was somehow different. But she wasn't sure what Sally had done to it."  
  
At the Preventers Base........  
  
Lady Une had just arrived. She walked into the base and to her surprise she saw all the boys sitting quietly. They all looked exhausted as if they had been doing something strenuous. "I'm surprised to see that you guys are okay. I expected to see all of you fighting with one another or at least Heero trying to kill Duo, which usually happens when all of you boys get together. What were you doing all this time? I've been trying to contact you."   
  
All the boys faces turned red. They couldn't really admit that they had been doing the Macarena. What followed was a bunch of 'ers' and 'ums' and 'well you see.' Zechs, in his calm voice, answered, "Lady we've been monitoring the battle the whole time. We thought you girls were doing such a great job out there that we decided not to interfere." This was followed by a chorus of 'yeahs' and nods.   
  
"Isn't it great that the girls were able to defeat JAWS and all the Gundams are pretty much intact? But you knew this, right?" The boys all sighed in relief, very much glad that their Gundams had not been destroyed.  
  
In the distance Heero saw the six Gundams approaching. Everyone went outside to meet the girls. When the girls landed, the boys were horrified at the state their Gundams were in.   
  
"Sandrock's drenched in blood!"   
  
"Nataku's pink. Kisama, immoral onna!"   
  
"The Deathscythe just can't be the Deathscythe without it's scythe!"   
  
"Cool, thanks sis. Now Heavyarms can shoot daggers when it runs out of bullets."   
  
"I used to have the tallest Gundam and now I have the shortest! Shimatta!"   
  
The girls got out of the Gundams. Dorothy walked up to Quatre. Quatre yelled, "You've besmirched Sandrock with blood."   
  
Dorothy sarcastically replied, "Well, now you'll have to call him Bloodrock."   
  
Quatre sobbing continued, "First you kidnapped Rashid, then you drugged me and stole Sandrock, and to top it all off you bloodied Sandrock."   
  
She smirked and sweetly said, "So will you marry me now, Quatre-sama?"   
  
Quatre ran to Trowa and yelled, "Troowwaaah, make her go away!"  
  
Hilde came up to Duo, who was pacing around and constantly saying to himself, "I am Shinigami, I can handle this."   
  
Hilde looked at Duo with her hand behind her head, her eyes inverted, and with a silly grin on her face she said, "Well.....Now instead of Deathscythe, you can call him Noscythe."   
  
Trowa was simply smiling at Catherine. He was relieved that she was okay.   
  
Wufei was pacing about, swearing in Chinese, and almost in tears about what happened to Nataku. Sally thought about explaining to Wufei why she thought pink suited Nataku, but she knew that when Wufei gets in one of his moods no one could reason with him.   
Zechs was shouting at Noin for severing the Tallgeese's legs. Noin screamed back at him sarcastically, "Well now at least you're paying attention to me. The things I have to do to get your attention. I had to steal your Gundam, battle in outer space, and dismember Tallgeese's legs. Now you're just going to have to pilot the Shortgeese."  
  
Relena was still at the cockpit of Wing Zero. She was trying to figure out how to get out. Heero was grumbling about the fact that Relena had used Wing Zero to promote her ideals of pacifism. He thought to himself, "What the hell does she think a Gundam is used for? My Gundam's name is Wing Zero not Peace Zero." He was even more upset that Sieta Merchise had turned out to be a better fighter than he was.   
  
Relena saw a button labeled self-destruct. She thought to herself, "This must be the button to open the hatch."   
  
Heero who saw what Relena was doing screamed, "Nooooooo!" and ran towards Wing Zero in an attempt to save his Mecha. But it was too late and everyone else took cover. In a single second Wing Zero had self-destructed and there was nothing left but debris.   
  
Everyone ran to see if Relena was hurt. Surprisingly Relena had not a single scratch on her. Heero, however, was covered in blood. He was either dead or in a coma. Duo commented, "Ohhhhh! So that's how it works. When a Gundam self-destructs, only it's owner gets hurt."  
  
Lady Une chuckled to herself, "Well at least one of the Gundams is now destroyed."  
  
Hilde and Duo, being the party animals they are, yelled in unison, "Let's celebrate the girls' victory over JAWS." Champagne was passed around and everyone started doing the Macarena,....well not Heero. After a while Catherine and Hilde came up with the great idea that the girls should sing a song to describe their adventure:   
  
I'm Lucrezia Noin  
I thought stealing the Gundams was a bad idea, but I decided to join  
I piloted the Tallgeese  
Unfortunately on the way home it lost its knees  
Zechs always ignores me, he never seems to care  
He's always preoccupied with his hair  
  
Everyone looked at Zechs who was brushing his hair and he turned bright red. "Long hair is the most important thing listed in 'How to Get Girls: Maxwell Style.'  
  
My name is Sally Po  
Chang Wufei has always been my ugliest foe  
I fought skillfully against JAWS  
Unlike Wufei, who got captured by OZ  
When Wufei rants about "Justice" and "Nataku" no one can think  
So I decided to drive him crazy and paint Nataku pink  
  
Wufei shouts, "Kisama, Onna!" and begins tearing his hair out and starts running around shouting, "Injustice!" like a lunatic.  
  
There once was a girl named Dorothy  
She killed all those who were unworthy  
She believed war was beautiful  
Before piloting a Gundam her life was dull  
She laughed when soldiers died  
Unlike her boyfriend who always cried.  
  
Quatre cried out, "Dorothy I'm not your boyfriend and you are so mean."  
  
I'm Catherine Bloom  
I thought we were all headed for doom  
Heavy arms ran out of bullets in the war  
So I threw my daggers until my arms were sore.  
I wish Trowa would talk more  
I think he hit his head when he was four.  
  
Duo looked strangely at Trowa and said, "It figures." Trowa just shrugged his shoulders and as usual said nothing.  
  
Here's what I have to say  
I'm Hilde and I fight my own way.  
In the battle I fought with all my might  
But on the way home I dropped my scythe.  
Now Duo's really mad,  
Wait till he finds out he's going to be a dad!!!!!  
  
Everyone looked surprised. Duo exclaimed, "Oi, a chibi Shinigami?" and he passed out.   
  
Zechs yelled, "But she's not on the list of people Duo has slept with!"  
  
Relena Darlian's my name  
Sieta Merchise is one cool dame.  
I showed everyone I could fight  
But I believe pacifism is always right.  
By accident I pressed the self-destruct button on Wing Zero  
Oops, now there's no more Heero.  
  
Heero who everyone thought was dead or at least unconscious suddenly opened his eyes and gave everyone his death stare. He said, "Omae wo Kuroso, Relena."   
  
Relena looked at him and said, "As if!" Heero collapsed again and everyone started laughing.  
  
*Owari*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
